Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
