:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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