we're chasing vodka with high fives
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
