i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
