Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
