I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
