If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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