dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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