I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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