I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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