i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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