I'm gonna have a badass scar
Apparently you make a good broom.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Randomize
