Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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