from now on my penis is your penis
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
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You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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