he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
