Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
