38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
