so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
