apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
