you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
