her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
