I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
