Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
