Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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