I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
