im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
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