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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
