He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
