just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
