Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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