btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
