Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
