i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize