I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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