Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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