you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
