WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
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we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
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Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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