saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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