I will die if light touches me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
