You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
