Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
