How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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