I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
