She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
