OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize