i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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