Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
