My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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