This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
