I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
