he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
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Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
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Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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