its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
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Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
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Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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