Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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