On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
