Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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