i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
