hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
