I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
